Reclaim your power
Have you ever thought: why do I feel paralysed sometimes? Why do I say yes when I want to say NO? How can I feel free? How can I feel safe?
This is the third article of the neurolinguistic programming and conditioning series. If you haven’t read the two previous posts, I recommend you take a look to get a better understanding of what conditioning and programming are and how they affect us.
If the focus of the previous posts was to understand our limiting beliefs and to learn how to understand our emotions from a new perspective, with this article I want to address the importance of self-responsibility an self-reliance: the importance of change through conscious actions. Acting without fear of being rejected.
Before we continue, there is something I want to ask you. Something you can reflect on, too.
How many decisions did you make yesterday?
How many of those decisions did you make to satisfy others?
How many decisions did you make because you were afraid?
How many of those decisions do you regret today?
Take some time to think.
When you commit to something from a rather place of fear and doubt, you are likely perpetuating automated behavior, a byproduct of your programming. Automated behavior is a survival strategy that we had to develop in order to feel safe and it often leads to us sabotaging and betraying our own needs. Why? Because we didn’t want to upset anybody - upsetting people was a scary thing to do, so we tried to keep other people’s needs met. By doing so, we believed to maintain an emotional connection.
It is something we have learned a long time, so it has become a very much familiar response to situations in which we don’t feel comfortable.
To stop recreating stories from the past, you need to make conscious decisions in the present. You need to rewire your brain.
It sounds easier than it is, I know. It is challenging because it requires awareness, strength, and bravery to walk down new paths. However, this is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself: you stop feeling responsible for the feelings of others and start showing up for YOU.
When we accept this responsibility, we reclaim our power. The narrative changes.
’’I am only responsible for my own feelings and needs. I can accept that people feel disappointed or sad - they are adults and will deal with their emotions the best way they can. I am not here to betray my needs for the sake of others. I am seeing myself and I am showing loyalty to myself’.’’
Let me give you examples of situations I have gone through with my clients that clearly reflect the need to protect an emotional connection by ignoring our own needs. The first structure is how they presented their issues to me, the second part is the reframing of the whole situation. Why am I behaving this way?
‘‘My partner does not respect me. He never asks me how my day was, he is not interested in me. I haven’t told him that it bothers me because I don’t want him to think I am too much.’’ —> ‘‘For some reason, I am dealing with some behavior from my partner that keeps causing me pain. I don’t feel seen and I am afraid of letting him know.’’
’’I always have to take care of the dishes while my family enjoys time together at the dinner table.’’ —> ‘‘Although I don’t want to, I choose to take care of the task by myself and miss spending time with my family. I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to bother anyone. This makes me feel sad and invisible.’’
’’When I am sad I don’t tell anybody because everyone would feel bothered otherwise.’’ —> ‘‘I hide my feelings because I feel like a burden.’’
’’At work, I struggle with time management because my colleagues ask me to do them some favours even though they know it is not my job.’’ —> ‘‘I accept extra tasks at work even though I don’t have the capacity for it. If I help them I feel like they will like me more.’’
Do you see the difference?
When we accept responsibility for the situations we land into, we understand why we put ourselves in those situations in the first place - we are looking for acceptance and connection - but we also see that we have the power to shift the narrative by understanding ourselves better. Think about this next time similar situations occur.
You are not a victim of your surroundings. You are always choosing, consciously or not. You have the power to choose freely. And you will, the moment to start to embrace curiosity and empathy towards yourself.
I see you. It is difficult, but you got this! Through awareness and communication, you can turn things around and create new situations to give yourself the freedom you are looking for. Take responsibility for yourself and learn how to deal with inner conflicts. I made a short reel on the topic of people-pleasing to help you navigate these waters - hope you find it helpful!
My job is to help people unfold their inner world in order to meet themselves and communicate their truth in a healthy and responsible way. As a certified coach and a trauma survivor, I believe that every single person carries the power to heal themselves and the strength to change their own narrative.
If you feel you need some help on your journey, click here and give yourself the opportunities you deserve. Within a short time, you can achieve big changes.