Self-realization after trauma
I am the son and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.
(…)
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does…
(…)
When you say, "It's gonna happen now"
Well, when exactly do you mean?
Self-realization after trauma… is that possible?
I have been singing and reflecting on this song by The Smiths ‘‘How soon is now?’’. The story of a man conditioned to be shy, and to silently crave love fearing rejection. The scrutiently painful need for love. This song reminds me of the story of one of the people I have been working with. I haven’t been thinking about her story particularly, but more about what many of us share in common with her. If you want to know more about it, please visit Intraconnection Journey profile.
There is a lot to unpack in A’s story as well. Raped by her father when she was an infant and emotionally neglected by her mother, she grew up in a confusing environment that denied her sense of reality.
Because all this happened when she was a child, she had no cognitive or emotional tools to realize that her family was extremely toxic to her and to her development. She was not aware that it was her family that was dysfunctional and not her.
As a consequence, what she learned throughout her childhood was, as the singer of The Smiths, to crave and fear love. She grew up understanding and accepting abusive relationships disguised as love, and accustomed to the lack of boundaries and lack of respect, she tolerated invasive behaviors, especially from men. As I mentioned, there is a lot to unpack here, but I want to focus on the core wound that made space for further traumas to occur: a lack of sense of reality.
As a child, her experience was denied by her mother. This means she could not develop a sense of self. Because she was denied the sense of space, her experience, her emotions, and her pain, she was denied the ability to explore herself.
Without self-exploration, there is no self-development. Without a sense of self, there is no self-realization. I have talked about the importance of growing up in a trusting and appreciative environment in previous articles on this page - feel free to check them out - and this is a clear example of that.
Self-realization is something that we need to thrive in life. There is self-realization when we know ourselves when we know what we are good at, what we enjoy, and what makes us happy. Knowing there is something worth experiencing gives us a direction in life, a purpose. However, people who have been denied their reality grow up adapting to other people’s realities and not truly knowing what they are here for. Severely traumatized individuals focus on surviving, not on enjoying.
However, self-realization is possible even after trauma. The journey requires help from a professional and a lot of curiosity towards oneself. It all begins with the question: who am I if I am not the product of my past?
Working on myself and with people during the last years, this is what I have found to work best:
Start by validating and feeling your story: Find a safe space and a safe person with whom you can share your story and the feelings that may arise. Please, allow yourself to feel your story. Allow the emotions to flow - feel the sadness, the anger. Don’t judge or use logic
Observe your thoughts. Listen to your your thoughts, and pay attention to the words you use when you talk about yourself, your past, your current life situation, and the world around you. That will help you identify beliefs and limiting ideas that you can question later.
Explore creative ways of expression. We have to learn to meet our inner child again. Ask yourself: what do they enjoy? What makes me feel connected to myself? Is it dancing? …painting? … exploring nature? This is a beautiful and emotional part of the process. Getting to know yourself is an enriching and liberating experience
Include somatic practices while doing therapy when it feels right. Softness is key. We have been separated from our bodies and the body sensations, so gentle exercises will feel better and be more effective. The goal is to feel comfortable in our bodies again. Be kind - it can be challenging at times, but with patience and tenderness you will embody yourself again.
During this time, you may find yourself avoiding social interactions and wanting to spend time on your own. Listen to that - your body is tired. Be patient, we are learning to relax and to inhabit our bodies again. You will also find out that there is beauty in solitude and nothing to run away from.
The purpose of healing is to connect you to your truth and to foster a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
My job is to help you reconnect with your inner world so you finally feel free. Learn to experience, believe and communicate your truth in a mature, secure, and responsible way. As a coach, mediator, and trauma survivor myself, I believe that every single person carries the power to heal themselves and the strength to change their lives.
If you feel called to get some guidance on your journey, I am here to help. Within a short time, you can achieve big changes.