As within, so without
Back in 2017 in the streets of Paris. This is me. I was on holiday with my back-then partner.
My life looked very different then than it does today.
I still remember the feeling of stagnation. The tremendous confusion and a lack of direction.
Now, I know that I partly felt unhappy because I wasn’t chasing my dreams. But how could I chase my dreams if I didn’t even think it was an option for me?
Dreams were for other people.
Back then, I was chasing the promise of happiness. The promise of happiness that was given to me. In 2017, I had a diploma under my arm, a loving partner by my side, and was experiencing some sunny days in Paris. Yet, I felt numb.
After years and years of self-neglect, I had managed to be completely disconnected from myself and was suffering from a non-diagnosed depression. Because I grew up in a very strict education system, based on obedience and a none-questions-asked mentality, I became afraid of showing up, being curious, speaking my mind, and sharing my opinion. I was terrified by the thought of feeling different.
In time, I started to disengage with life. I had no direction, I didn’t know who I was or what made my life worthy. I became invisible to myself.
What the f*ck happened to me? Why was I feeling so miserable? Why so much apathy?
Well… in time, I found out that the reason for my suffering laid in the past. In the many times that I felt abandoned and invisible to my surroundings.
The truth is that when a child is deprived of a safe and free space to develop, to explore their mind, their interests, and their curiosity, the child will not be able to conceive a sense of self. The child will not have the chance to define their own reality if they don’t receive the proper frame to experience it.
Children adapt to their caretaker’s reality because they depend on it - they are not ready to survive otherwise, they are not ready to distinguish between their own mind and others. This is why the adult’s reality will be also the child’s reality until they are able to define their own. And for that, the child needs to receive that very specific space from the adult - that permission, that invitation, that emotional support. In safety, we thrive. When a child doesn’t feel seen in their caretakers’ world, they will grow invisible to themselves.
What does this mean? What are the consequences in the adult life?
A person who is disconnected from themselves cannot see their own future, for they don’t know their core values, interests, passions, or goals.
When I took that picture in 2017, I was indeed invisible to myself and self-love was a very strange concept to me. After all, you cannot love what you don’t share a connection with. You cannot love what you don’t trust. This lack of connection with myself and others was translated into a very hard inner dialogue with myself - I couldn’t trust my surroundings. I couldn’t let anyone in. All sign of love or affection was a threat and a sign that something was wrong.
I lived paralysed by fear. The fear of being seen because being seen would likely mean being rejected. The fear of trusting people. The fear of asking for help and being left alone.
The most hurting part of all? It was a self-fulfilling prophecy: I was invisible to myself, so I made myself invisible to the world.
As within, so without. What I believed about myself and how my life was supposed to unfold was reflected in the outside world - I kept choosing a life I did not want for myself. I kept choosing the life I had already experienced.
I became the fruit of my early conditioning programming. Because I grew up feeling invisible, I made sure I was invisible.
Do you relate to this? We are all conditioned by belief systems, culture, unresolved generational trauma, social fears and roles, and limitations of the environment we are born into.
The conditioning you are carrying with you is part of a narrative - a narrative that does not belong to you, it was given to you.
Your limitations, your fears, your doubts, your beliefs,... They reside in you. They are the story your mind is telling you to keep you safe from pain and disappointment. But also, to keep you away from freedom and authenticity. This is a high price to pay for a life that you will never get to experience again.
When you dare to look inside and question what you have been told, you discover a world of possibilities and choices. You give yourself the chance to leave the limitations behind. You give yourself the space to unfold, to meet yourself, to get to know what you truly are. To trust you and to trust others.
Remember, what happened to me and to you was not our fault, but it is our responsibility to free our inner Self from that false image we adapted to.
I encourage you to take this journey and to connect with yourself!
As a certified coach and a trauma survivor myself, I know that every single person carries the answers to their own questions and an immense power within to create a fulfilling life. My job is to help people discover their true inner world with curiosity and trust.
My job is to help you develop the best relationship you could ever wish for: a healthy and loving relationship with yourself. Get the job you love, find fulfilling relationships, feel free from your mind,
My job is to see you thrive.
The first step always begins with yourself. If you feel called by my story and ready to connect, you can get in touch with me here. A first free 20-minute clarity call is at hand. In a little time, you can achieve big changes.
If you feel curious about this topic, stick around: during the following blog entries, I will step deeper into the topic of conditioning and neurolinguistic programming. I will also share some more insights on my own self-discovery journey that might help you along the way, so stay tuned. If you are interested, follow me on Linkedin, Instagram and Twitter - I am happy to connect with you.